How can I get my wife to trust me again after I have had an affair?
Rebuilding Trust After an Affair
Your spouse is devastated to learn that you have been unfaithful, but you are determined to save your marriage. You've apologized profusely. You take full responsibility for your actions. You promise that it will never happen again. And your spouse forgives you.
These steps, while necessary, are not enough. Many couples make the mistake of believing that after the initial shock, hurt and anger over an affair has worn off, they can simply pick up the pieces and get on with their lives. Only later do they discover lingering feelings of betrayal and mistrust that slowly - but surely - destroy their relationship.
If you sincerely want to regain the trust and intimacy that you and your spouse once had, you must follow certain steps. They are not always easy, but these steps can go a long way in healing the hurt the affair has caused, and putting your relationship on the right path.
1. Be completely honest with your spouse from now on.
You must be truthful and open about anything your spouse has a reasonable right to know. This includes your work schedule, your activities with friends, your spending habits, and so on.
You might be tempted to think that telling a white lie now and then is harmless, especially if it has nothing to do with being unfaithful. But your spouse is more likely now to detect any signs of deception or evasiveness on your part. And if you get caught in a lie, no matter how trivial, your spouse will wonder what else you may be lying about.
2. Answer whatever questions your spouse has about the affair.
Yes, this will be uncomfortable and embarrassing. It's normal for you to want to put the affair in the past and move on. Besides, you think your spouse is already hurt and angry. Wouldn't learning all the details make those feelings even worse?
Perhaps. But unanswered questions and doubts can linger on for years, making it very difficult for your spouse to truly forgive you and trust you again. Questions about the specifics of the affair should not go on for an unreasonable amount of time. It is helpful to get 3rd party input about whether questions are productive or non-productive and when they should stop.
3. End all contact with your ex-lover.
You might protest that this step is unreasonable, especially if you see your ex-lover at work or some other place where running into each other is unavoidable. However, the temptation to resume the affair may prove too strong, no matter how well-intentioned you are.
Furthermore, your spouse will never be comfortable knowing that your ex is still in the picture. So, do whatever it takes to avoid that person, even if that means changing your job or moving to a new area.
4. Make amends to your spouse.
This crucial step is overlooked far too often. Maybe you think that merely saying I'm sorry is sufficient. Or you believe that nothing, really, can make up for the hurt you have caused. But that is no reason not to try.
The best way to make amends is simply to ask your spouse what you can do. Ideally, it will be something that reaffirms your love and brings the two of you closer together. Perhaps it will be something that your spouse has always wanted from you - being a better listener, for example - but that you somehow failed to provide.
Recovering from an affair takes commitment and effort by both spouses. Following these steps will help make that recovery more lasting and meaningful.