How can I tell if my husband is having an affair?

The fact that you are suspicious in the first place raises it's own red flag. The typical clues could be a change in how he spends his time, how he uses his cell phone, and unexplained purchases on the credit card. A decrease in love-making, a change in his over-all behavior, meaning, is he more tense, anxious or evasive are also signs to be aware of. These kind of changes would invite no less than a heart-to-heart talk.

Instead of looking through his wallet, cell phone and computer history, the best thing to do if you have suspicions is to simply ask him. You can tell him of your concern and be open and honest with him about your feelings.

You need to give some thought to what you would do if he answers "Yes". Are you ready to end the marriage if he has been having an affair? Are you willing to work through this deep hurt with a professional counselor? Is he willing to give up the affair? Many men are relieved when the secret is over. The hiding takes a lot of effort.

The important thing to remember is that most marriages can survive an affair if given the right kind of support and the spouse who is having the affair is willing to end it completely. The second most important thing is to take a look at your overall relationship. Are you two meeting each other's deepest needs? Is someone being love starved?

Either a "yes" or "no" answer requires talking with your spouse. Secrets are not helpful in any relationship, especially marriage.

My wife continually spends more than I make, what can I do?

 My wife continually spends more than I make, what can I do?
Many discussions about money take place during times when there is a surprise on a credit card bill, or items are discovered that were not bought in agreement. That is not the time to have a talk about money. Those times usually lead to an argument. Timing matters. Pick a time when both of you are in pretty good spirits and simply say, "Honey, I wonder if we can look at some new ways to handle our money". Then be prepared to invite her to a better way. We recommend Dave Ramsey's book, "Total Money Make-Over" as a wonderful book to teach people how to manage money, including over-spending.

I would also look at some things that might be inviting your wife to over spend. Are the reigns too tight? Meaning, does she have money that she gets to spend anyway she likes? Is she involved in the bill paying or being kept in the dark? People can take on a childlike role (over spending) if they think there is an endless supply of money. She needs to be involved in the total picture. Does she know how her over spending affects you? This is important to let her know when things are not heated. Let her know how discouraging it is for you and the stress it causes you.

Issues over money are one of the leading causes of divorce. So you really want to come into agreement about this as soon as possible. Ask yourself if there are other areas in your marriage that are out of balance as well. Usually "issues about money" are symptoms of underlying issues which need to be resolved

My husband and I have different parenting styles; I feel it has a really negative effect on the kids. Any ideas?

I'm hoping that the two of you have not displayed your conflicts in front of the kids. They may sense it anyway even if you two do not argue about it in front of them, but it's damaging to them to witness heated conflict especially when it's about them. They will think that they are causing their parents to fight.

I suggest that you make a list with a line down the middle of the page. On one side list all the ways you and your husband agree in regards to raising the kids. Then on the other side, list the ways you disagree. The two of you together do some research on a parenting author/s that you both respect and think that their way of parenting would be something you two would both support.  We recommend books by Doctor William Sears.

Buy the book(s) and do your research on how the author handles the issues that the two of you are in disagreement about. Agree beforehand that you both will follow the author’s way over your personal opinion of how things should be handled. If you cannot find the issues you are in disagreement about in the books, I suggest you think of someone who has grown children that have turned out in a way you admire. You like how their kids turned out. Arrange a time to sit down with them, pen and paper in hand, to ask them how they would handle the issues you disagree about. Again, agree beforehand that you will go along with this person's suggestions.

Mainly you guys need a third party's opinion/input. We can get very attached to our ideas on how our children should be raised. Just remember that until you two come into agreement on how things should be handled--remember where your spouse’s heart is at. They love your children as much as you do and want only the best for them. If you can keep this in mind, it helps coming into that agreement which is so important.

1. Be completely honest with your spouse from now on.

You must be truthful and open about anything your spouse has a reasonable right to know. This includes your work schedule, your activities with friends, your spending habits, and so on.

You might be tempted to think that telling a white lie now and then is harmless, especially if it has nothing to do with being unfaithful. But your spouse is more likely now to detect any signs of deception or evasiveness on your part. And if you get caught in a lie, no matter how trivial, your spouse will wonder what else you may be lying about.

2. Answer non vivid questions your spouse has about the affair.

Yes, this will be uncomfortable and embarrassing. It's normal for you to want to put the affair in the past and move on. Besides, you think your spouse is already hurt and angry. Wouldn't learning more about the affair make those feelings even worse?

There are two categories of questions that the betrayed spouse wants to ask. One category of questions make the affair more vivid. Questions like, "What color hair did she have?" or, "Where her breasts bigger than mine?" -- these kinds of questions further hurt the betrayed spouse. "Did you do this with her, did you do that?" The betrayed spouse is intensely curious to these details, but in the long run only burn the hurt more deeply. We advise avoiding questions that make the affair more vivid.

The other category of questions are general, non descriptive questions. "Do you still love her, still think of her" or, "Do you have any mementos from her?" The offending spouse should answer any and all of these questions.

There also needs to be a time when there is a formal ending to all questions about the affair. The affair will need to stop being feed in order for it to be put in the past where it should stay. Continuing to ask questions about the affair for years will only hurt the two of you and not allow the affair to die.

Each couple needs to pick there own time frame. Some couples have chosen to end all questions 3 to 6 months after the affair. Going much beyond that will impede your healing.


Perhaps. But unanswered questions and doubts can linger on for years, making it very difficult for your spouse to truly forgive you and trust you again. Questions about the specifics of the affair should not go on for an unreasonable amount of time. It is helpful to get 3rd party input about whether questions are productive or non-productive and when they should stop.

3. End all contact with your ex-lover.

You might protest that this step is unreasonable, especially if you see your ex-lover at work or some other place where running into each other is unavoidable. However, the temptation to resume the affair may prove too strong, no matter how well-intentioned you are.

Furthermore, your spouse will never be comfortable knowing that your ex is still in the picture. So, do whatever it takes to avoid that person, even if that means changing your job or moving to a new area.

4. Make amends to your spouse.

This crucial step is overlooked far too often. Maybe you think that merely saying I'm sorry is sufficient. Or you believe that nothing, really, can make up for the hurt you have caused. But that is no reason not to try.

The best way to make amends is simply to ask your spouse what you can do. Ideally, it will be something that reaffirms your love and brings the two of you closer together. Perhaps it will be something that your spouse has always wanted from you - being a better listener, for example - but that you somehow failed to provide.

Recovering from an affair takes commitment and effort by both spouses. Following these steps will help make that recovery more lasting and meaningful.